Home > Uncategorized > 25 Random LIES about Me…..

25 Random LIES about Me…..

I posted this list on Facebook last year and have nothing to post today so here it is again… you remember the stupid 25 random things lists?  They sucked.  This one isn’t much better… ENJOY!

1. I love these lists.

2. When I was in college, a bunch of us drove up to Washington Courthouse OH to buy porn and I ended up not going in because I was embarrassed, regardless of the fact that Washington Courthouse is a good 3 hour drive from Cincinnati.

3. I shot a boy with a BB Gun from across a river with my friend JB in 4th grade. When the kid confronted me in the bathroom a few days later I told him it was my twin brother. I spent the next two years of elementary school arbitrarily pretending to be my twin in case he was around.

4. My real brother and I have a lifelong pact that states if either one of us is incarcerated or killed, the other would quickly travel to the other’s respective place of living and sweep for drugs and porn to avoid any unnecessary embarrassment.

5. I once interviewed for a position as an assistant to a pretty well respected producer here in LA but didn’t get the job because I inadvertently hit his car while parking for the interview and didn’t leave a note… his secretary saw me.

6. My first girlfriend in elementary school only “went with me” because I wore Kangaroos.

7. I kissed Dolly Parton against her will.

8. I’ve been smacked by Dolly Parton.

9. I like to write letters to my congressman and demand arbitrary things like Coke machines in my apartment building and royalties for things I didn’t invent like highway lane reflectors.

10. My cat Ash is a racist.

11. The second time I met Willy Nelson, he told me the same joke he told the first time I met him. I didn’t laugh the second time and he got offended.

12. I wear colored contacts because my mother once told me my eyes “weren’t brown enough.”

13. When I get real drunk, I can channel the ghost of Jim Morrison. He’s a bit of a dick though and will only recite poetry and talk about what a downer Joan Baez was. He then spends 20 minutes crying through me and it makes everyone real uncomfortable.

14. In my short career as a video game tester, I systematically dismantled that company from the inside out because I was disappointed with the co-op play of their best first person shooter. They filed for Chapter 11 two weeks ago… you’re welcome America.

15. When I was 9, I was visited by a stoned man claiming to be from the future while sitting in my mom’s car at the Piggly Wiggly. He told me about completely useless things like how Hardee’s stopped selling Fried Chicken, and how disappointed he was in the Arrested Development movie.

16. I sometimes go on dates with women I meet on Craigslist.com in order to watch chick flicks without feeling shitty about myself.

17. One of my roommates in college used to drink out of this ridiculous Viking horn thing. He’d take it to parties and make an ass out of himself. My other roommates and I used to take turns putting our genitals into said horn and photograph it… funny on numerous levels.

18. In true Kentucky form, my great great grandfather fought for both sides of the Civil War. He defected from the Union to the Confederacy, not for any political or racism beliefs, but because there was “Hotter trim in Savannah.”

19. I once ate a pizza in front of someone then persisted to have an argument with them an hour later that I have never eaten a pizza before in my life because i knew he’s one of these people who can never be wrong. I made him so mad he kicked me in the nuts.

20. I’ve spent $22,000 of money I don’t have flying to and from Switzerland to sabotage CERN and the Large Hadron Collider, not because I feel it would be the end of the world, but because Dr. McAlpine’s Large Hadron Rap has more views on YouTube than the video of me riding an inflatable ostrich.

21. The last time I went to Arlington Cemetery with my mom, we visited the grave of the Unknown Soldier and I didn’t hear a thing and everything was fine.

22. When I quit my job at the bookstore in Cincinnati, I took a dump in the pocket of a hoodie that had been on the shelf since I started there and moved it to the back of the rack.

23. When I know someone doesn’t speak any English, I talk frantically to them and tell them all my secrets, sins, pin numbers, etc.

24. I wrote my first screenplay when I was in 8th grade. It was called “Rubber” and it revolved around a High School loser that’s really good at shooting rubber bands who diffuses a bully situation at a pep rally to win the heart of the head cheerleader… I sold it for $11,000 and they turned it into Die Hard.

25. We used to call my sister Mallory because of her penchant to say retarded things when she woke up… conversely we called my brother Magellan because he actually discovered the Philippines.

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