Home > Uncategorized > Open Letter to the LA Gas Co.

Open Letter to the LA Gas Co.

Dear Gas Company,

Upon returning home from work on Wednesday, I was greeted with a hand written note taped to my door telling me that my gas had been shut off and since I wasn’t home at 11AM on a Wednesday (as if anyone who works for a living would be home at that hour) I was to have to call to have my gas turned back on. After taking several deep breaths, as I’ve been instructed to do by my 10 step rage program, I dialed the number to see what the problem was and ask how long I was to be without heat, or oven capabilities.  Here’s where it got interesting.

The gentleman who answered the phone, after getting my address and name, put me on hold for about 15 minutes before coming back to let me know that someone would be out immediately to turn everything back on and re-light my pilot lights.  No problem.  I felt a bit relieved I didn’t have to wait a couple of days or stay in my house the next morning through your ridiculous windows of time.  It was explained to me over the phone that once every 15 years or so, you guys replace old gas meters and install up to date earthquake shut off valves and this was the reason my gas was turned off… someone had switched me out but I wasn’t home to have pilots re-lit.  Here’s what I don’t understand.

I walked down to my gas meter and it’s the same one… no changes.  No more than 30 minutes later a gentleman in a “Gas Co” shirt knocks on my front door and tells me he’s there to turn everything back on.  He was driving a regular pickup truck with no Gas Co. branding on the side but I let him in anyways because those pilot lights aren’t going to light themselves.  He futzed around in the kitchen for about 10 minutes then lit my water heater after about 30 attempts.  I remember thinking to myself that anyone fully trained in the ways of gas should have had no trouble lighting a simple pilot light on a gas heater but this guy seemed well out of his comfort zone.

I left this gentleman to his own devices, as watching someone test gas flows on their knees with a flashlight and rubber gloves is pretty far out of my realm of entertainment.  But, when I walked out of my living room to the hallway, he was on a chair messing around with the wiring in my fire alarm.  He then spent about 10 minutes in my bathroom doing God knows what before asking to use my phone and subsequently leaving… job well done.

My question to you dear Gas Company is this… does this guy even work for you?  If I were to go to the spy store this evening to pick up a rudimentary bug and wire tap scanner, would I find something?  Have I been bamboozled by someone tapping my phones and leaving cameras in my bathrooms and hallway?  This whole situation screams cold war to me!  Could this have a little something to do with my discovery of zero point energy and posting said specs on the internets?  Cause if so it was rubbish… I made it all up.  Zero Point Energy is from the “Incredibles”, a dynamite Pixar animated movie.  I assure when I updated my facebook page that I had discovered clean renewable energy, the formula I posted was actually the chemical compound for smoke powder.

So please have “Roy”, or whatever the fuck this spy you sent out to my house’s name is, come and claim his listening and watching devices from my apartment’s cubby holes… otherwise you’re bound to see some pretty horrific shit in the coming days.  The first Saturday of every month is Naked Day and I can assure you that nothing good can come of you watching this.  Thank you and Good Day!

Byron of Magnolia Blvd.

Categories: Uncategorized
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